Sunday, January 22, 2012

Bad Words: 140 Alternative Ways to Cuss Politely

I was raised by parents who didn't believe in saying dirty-words.  I think I heard my dad say "damn" once or twice in my entire life, but he usually emphasized his point with "shoot," "Dang-it," or "Darn-it!"  When he was mad, he was "ticked" or "chapped" and when he hammered his thumb with one of his tools (which was often) he would shout, "son-of-a-biscuit-eater!" We didn't use Jesus or God's name in vain, we said "jeez" and "gosh." And if we had 'acceptable' family cuss words they were, "crap" and "ca-ca."  In fact, I hadn't realized potty-talk was so controversial until I was an adult and one of the parents of a child I was sitting requested I not use it in front of their kid (never-mind that she and her husband practiced prolific profanity on a daily basis). 

I suppose curse words are culturally and morally relative and vary in potency from person to person. For instance, I was never allowed to say the alternate word for urine. And as much as I hear my Christian friends use the "p" word in their daily vocabulary, I still cant bring myself to say it.  I was taught that it takes more intellect to be creative and not use profanity, that even mentally-challenged people know how to cuss. But since I've grown-up, I've realized some situations necessitate the power that swear-words evoke--when used sparingly and in the right context, of course. I think my parents understood this need as well and perhaps that is why they allowed us to use curse-word euphemisms.  

Now that I'm a mom, I also afford my children the same liberty. So I was inspired to create a list of substitute cuss words, primarily to show that it is possible not to swear when circumstance, company, and social setting do not permit it. The following list is not exhaustive and neither do I allow my kids to use all the terms itemized here (I still wince if the fake-word sounds too much like the real one). That said, I must confess (but don't tell my mom) I do have a couple secret  knee-jerk expletives in my back pocket. I don't know why they fall out of my mouth when I hurt myself or am startled but they just do, dammit. 

Anyway, here ya go:
  1. #@%!
  2. Arse             
  3. Batask                  
  4. Bologna          
  5. Beeotch        
  6. Bullspit            
  7. Burn/Burned
  8. Booty
  9. Bum
  10. Bummer              
  11. Balderdash       
  12. Blangdang         
  13. Blankety-blank 
  14. Blast/Blasted      
  15. Bleep/Bleepin              
  16. Bloomin                      
  17. Blow(s)                     
  18. Bite(s) 
  19. Brat/Bratty                       
  20. Cheese and Crackers
  21. Cheese and Rice
  22. Cheeses
  23. Cheesitz
  24. Chit
  25. Chafed
  26. Chaps
  27. Crud
  28. Crabcakes
  29. Crabby
  30. Crapola
  31. Crappity
  32. Crimeny
  33. Dastardly
  34. Dipstick
  35. Doggone
  36. Dump truck
  37. Darn/Darnit
  38. Dag Gummit 
  39. Dag Nabit
  40. Dang/Dangit
  41. Drat
  42. Eff/Effin
  43. Egad
  44. Flip/Flippin
  45. Fudge
  46. Farging
  47. Fiddle Sticks
  48. Freak/Freaking
  49. Frack/Fracking
  50. Frazzle-rackin
  51. Frig/Friggin
  52. Frick/Fricking
  53. Fragdaggle
  54. Flunkin'
  55. Gobbledygook
  56. Goodness
  57. Good Grief
  58. Good Gravy
  59. Gosh
  60. Garsh
  61. God Bless America
  62. Gul Durnit
  63. Gobb Dash it
  64. Gadzooks
  65. Heck
  66. H-E-double hockey sticks
  67. Hay (what the hay)
  68. Hogwash
  69. Holy Cow
  70. Holy Frijoles
  71. Holy Shibblets
  72. Horse Pucky
  73. Holy Mother
  74. Hockey Puck 
  75. Huffy
  76. Hush
  77. Ice hole (farging-ice hole)
  78. Jeez
  79. Jiminy Crickits
  80. Judas Priest
  81. Kawabunga
  82. Lint Licker
  83. Malarkey
  84. Man/Oh Man
  85. Monkey Flunker
  86. Mother of Pearl
  87. Mother Fathers 
  88. Mothersmucker
  89. Mother blanker
  90. My Word
  91. Nuckin Futs
  92. OMGsh
  93. Pete's Sake
  94. Piddle
  95. Pluck it
  96. Poo/Poop/Poopy 
  97. Peeves/Peeved
  98. Rice cakes
  99. Hopping
  100. Ram Rod
  101. Rackafratz
  102. Rassa-frazzin 
  103. Shush
  104. Snassa-frazzin
  105. Sunny Beach
  106. Snit
  107. Snitch
  108. Steaming
  109. Shiatsu
  110. Sheesh
  111. Shitaki mushrooms 
  112. Swear to Christmas
  113. Stuff yourself
  114. Shoot
  115. Snap
  116. Shat
  117. Shut The Front Door
  118. Son of a Mother Trucker
  119. Sheesh
  120. Shnikes
  121. Shiznit
  122. Shucks
  123. Son of a Gun
  124. Son of a Mother
  125. Son of a biscuit eater
  126. Sons a' Guns
  127. Sufferin Succotash
  128. Sucks
  129. Stinks
  130. Sunny Beach
  131. Shamalama
  132. Ticked (off)
  133. Tater Sauce
  134. Troll
  135. Tool 
  136. What-the
  137. Weenie
  138. Who-ha 
  139. Wu-wu
  140. Witch
Feel free to add to this list! What else did I miss?


Christina said...

#92 almost made me spit my coffee. I think this is very exhaustive and very creative. Too funny.

David Cho said...


How about acronyms or text lingo?

Deep stuff, BTW :)

Lauren said...

If you say "Freak/Freaking! Frack/Fracking! Frazzle-rackin, Frig/Friggin, Frick/Fricking!Fragdaggle, Flunkin" really loud and really fast, you sound like Yosemite Sam. :-)

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Jayster said...

This is so my childhood. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten smirks because of saying 'Geez Louise!' or 'Golly!' in situations where others would choose more earthy words. Great post!

Anonymous said...

My Mom always said "Shoot a mile" when others would use the S-word.

Anonymous said...

My mother uses "San Antonio Texas" instead of "son of a ....."

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Futher Mucker

Anonymous said...

Well I say Shiitake Mushrooms, alot

Anonymous said...

How about son of a nutcracker?

Anonymous said...

son of a jit /dick (if your really upset)
What the ham fat,
Hassaole. Thats all I got.
Thanks this helped a lot

Lily Fizzle said...

(Ain't gonna say anything 'bad' cuz you never know who's on) You could always say, "female dog", or "cria" istead of the "c" word, or "donkey" as a replacement for the "a" word.

Anonymous said...

Mitch for bitch

Anonymous said...

"Son of a Baptist pastor!"
"What The Funk?!"
Uhmmm.. what else...
"I Don't Give a Donald DUCK!"

shinshige said...

I worked with a woman who would say, "Son of a BISCUIT." And she was from Mexico, so hearing that with a Mexican accent made it even funnier.

Anonymous said...

"Oh my science!!!"

Tina Marrie said...

ooo ooo ooo I got one.... I have an 8 year old and started the .25 cent swear word account with her lol I love saying, Farkle, what the farkle and so on :)

Tina Marrie said...

Me again lol
I hope I get this across enough for you to know what I am saying lol
You know that cartoon with "mutly" He always said, "Sassin' frassin ressim rack" thats what I think it says. However, lol I googled it and this is what "they" say,
Rashin' fashin' Rick Rastardly

"Sassafrassarassum Rick Rastardly!"
I happen to like my way better LOL

Anonymous said...

Two words, one finger

Anonymous said...

I got some:
Who gives one!
Suggar lumps
Son of a fish
Oh my days
Oh my goodness/gosh
Haha hope this helps!

Anonymous said...

Sheet holes
A Hole
Eg."Oi you! A holes!"
Fish fingers

Anonymous said...

Instead of saying damn, I say damsel (damsel in distress)

Anonymous said...

I have a friend that says "Dum bass ditch" instead of "dumb-a** b****"

Anonymous said...

Sugar Honey Ice Tea

Anonymous said...

My daughter's coach says:
"Oh Mylanta"
Quite funny

Anonymous said...


Victoria said...

Thank you so much for this. I want to promote my second novel in the Christian market and am having a hard time creating a Chicago police detective without reverting to bad language. Hopefully, this will help.

St Barts Caribbean said...

Not sure why you think Arse is a euphemism for Ass when Ass is a euphemism for Arse

Ass has always meant donkey, Arse has always meant....anus.

Polite society swapped the one for the other in the 18th century at about the same time Cocks were renamed Roosters.

Anonymous said...


Kimberly Denicola-Zimmer said...

Instead of STFU I now say shut the front door

Anonymous said...

Huggin' _____!
What the fudge?
What the fart?
Son of a biscuit-eating bulldog
Zayum/ zam (for d*mn)

Anonymous said...

"Mother hubber"
Its actually from the most recent amazing spiderman movie. My brother and I found it absolutely hilarious and we've been using it since (:

Anonymous said...

Rat dookie!

Oh flying fudge sickle!

Thank you for this list this should make my book much more colorful. Saying *amn all the time losses its punch after a time. And I don't want to use anything too offensive, feelings matter with readers too!

Anonymous said...

What the donald duck

Anonymous said...

I like to say, " Son of a diseased ham sandwich!" Or I'll call someone "Dumbo the fracking drunk elephant,"

Jay Arian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jay Arian said...

What the what?! Omgeees, geeez... sheesh! That is pure Bags and Shoes! Sugar Honey Ice Tea, That is just lovely(instead of wtf), duck face! Kiss my cheeks! Enjoy that (instead of eff you.)

Anonymous said...

I say Snipple lol long story but yea I try not to cuss in front of my son.

Anonymous said...

Oh My Stars!
Oh My Glory!
Gee Willigers!
Hokey Doodle!
Hokey Dina!
Sharded Barf! (see youtube video: retard food)

-Amber Lena

Anonymous said...

Love this!

Depending on how many syllables you need:
What the pluperfect!
What the pluperfect tense!

Ana K. said...

I usually say What the john? or I don't give a john. Sometimes I say What the frick frack snick snack?

The Samurai Mermaid said...

From 'The Samurai Mermaid'; 'built like a Brit Shickhouse'

Anonymous said...

How about grouping the substitutes according to what swear they replace?

And... What swear does BUMMER replace?

Anonymous said...

Sometimes when people use swear words they say "Excuse my French" so you could always say "what the french" or "who gives a french?!"

The Doctor said...

OR say Martha Focker